Nuclear fallout, alien spores from outer space, a religious catastrophe, a man-made virus, the Bubonic plague, all have been blamed at some point over the years for the various Hollywood versions of the (forthcoming) Zombie Apocalypse, from George Romero’s 1968 classic, “Night of the Living Dead” to 2009’s “Zombieland.”

Who would’ve guessed the real thing would turn up in the form of psychotic, face-eating “bath salters.”

Now, before I go any further with this (and I will, trust me), the synthetic drugs collectively known as “bath salts” are not, in fact, related to your everyday, normal bath salts. You know, the stuff you actually use in the bathtub?

If I had a dollar for every person that’s inquired as to the how and why bath salts – the cosmetic kind – turn your average drug addict into a raving lunatic ... well ... let’s just say I could retire early. Bath salts – the drug – are not (and I repeat not) the same as epsom salts or any other kind of bathing accessory. And the term bath salts, in regards to the latest drug epidemic to sweep the nation, is only one of many names conjured up by the synthetic substance’s creators; others include plant food or research chemicals.

Because your local gas station or head shop is where you go to buy bath salts, plant food or ... mmm ... research chemicals, right?

You see, that’s where people are finding these designer drugs (and the Internet, of course), and a little research on the subject proves one thing for sure: these drugs are on their way – or already – here in Chenango County. Incidents involving bath salts (or plant food ... or research chemicals) are on the rise outside our borders, from Syracuse to Utica, Binghamton to Ithaca and beyond.

This ... garbage ... is all around us. And it’s a very real threat that we’ll be facing in the weeks, months and years to come.

You can quote me on that.

Moving on, I’m having a lot of trouble understanding why anyone in their right mind would want to try the stuff in the first place. Your heart begins to race (some people’s hearts are literally bursting from the strain); your body temperature soars to 103 degrees or so (bath salters in straight jackets actually begin to cook); and many times, those ingesting the substance end up naked, raving uncontrollably and – of course – chewing on other people’s faces.

Because all that sounds like such a good time, don’t you think?