There are so many things I DON’T want to do before I die that I have started a list of them that you can stick in my coffin when I pass. Oh, I forgot; I’m not having a coffin. I’m leaving my body to science – astronomy.

Here is my un-bucket list:

• Visit North Korea. In these days of extreme everything, the goal of extreme travel is to go someplace none of your friends will ever go, even if they are world travelers – someplace that will dominate the dinner conversation, a trip that no one can top.

It’s not easy to find such a place. A few years ago, a headline in the travel section of The New York Times asked, “Why Is Everyone Going to Bhutan?” It was all the sillier when you realized that many of the New Yorkers going to Bhutan had never been to Brooklyn.

• Paint my body and go shirtless to a football game. It seems that fewer and fewer people go to football games to watch football. They go so they can be on TV instead of those overpaid showoffs in uniforms who keep distracting the camera operators’ attention from the fans who put in the time and effort to take off their shirts.

• Appear on a reality show. Unless it’s about lottery winners.

• Visit any spring-break town during spring break. Yes, I can see you’re wearing a hat that lets you drink from two cans of beer at once. It also explains why you think you’re going to pay off $80,000 in student loans once you get your B.A. in remedial finger painting.

• Live in a gated community. Those gates, senor — I don’t think they will keep Zorro out. He is very clever, you know.