Many colleges are complaining about a new problem: parents who refuse to leave after the students have moved in. There are tales of parents who rent hotel rooms in college towns for the first week of classes in case Little Darling forgot to bring his iPod, Xbox or his security blanket. There are parents who won’t leave the new dorm room and parents who call the student every five minutes. It begs the question: If the parents don’t think the new student can make it on their own, why should the college?

You expect a little separation anxiety on the first day of first grade. But the freshman year of college? That’s a little creepy. I can understand being teary-eyed and fearful, but anything past that and we’ve moved into drama-queen territory.

If you think Junior is such a nincompoop, why did you let him apply to some school eight states away instead of the local campus? Is freshman math different at Far Away U than it is at a community college? Junior can always transfer to the status school after a year or two and take his degree there. And with all the money you’ve just saved, maybe you’ll be able to afford it.

If you haven’t put a kid through Far Away U yet, let me tell what you’re paying for: After six weeks, you will get a phone call from your formerly straight-A, honor-society student that he/she has decided to change their major from engineering to theater. He/she needs more money for new books, as the $800 worth of engineering texts and workbooks are now useless and taking up space in their dorm room, where their new boy/girlfriend needs to set up their campus tattoo business.

A week later, student health services will call your home and ask to speak to your student. You say he/she is not home, but what’s the problem?

“We can’t tell you, that would be an invasion of the student’s privacy. But it’s important that the student call us right away.” You are about to get in the car and drive across seven states when your student calls. “Why is health services trying to get hold of you?”

“It’s just an infected piercing/tattoo. Chill, would you?” Their new major this week is Rap Music Production. “I can’t think in this dorm room. There’s a fierce two-bedroom place right off campus for $2,600 a month, and if we split the rent six ways it’s the same price. Spike thinks it’s a really good idea.”

“Spike? Maybe we could come out there and meet your friends and see this apartment.”