I don’t know why it’s taken so long but based on a recent trip I took (first piece of luggage $20, second piece, $45), it’s pretty obvious that the airlines have finally figured out that the passengers are the problem with their business model.
“You know what we’re doing wrong?” I can hear the CEO of Amalgamated Consolidated Air say at a board meeting. “We’re treating these people like they’re royalty. We give them big luxurious seats, a fold-down tray and then we pamper them with half a can of free soda and a miniature bag of peanuts. Where else would you get that kind of a deal for $1,100 a head?
“Who do they think they are, Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip? All we do is give, give, give, and they take advantage of our good nature. Where else would you get all that service for free?”
“By ‘free’ you mean ‘pay through the nose,’ don’t you?” says his chief financial officer.
“If you’re going to quibble over every little word, we’ll never get anything done. What I’m saying is that they’re paying for the seat, not all the little extras we give them like windows, recycled air and working toilets. That stuff cost a fortune, and we’re just giving it away.”
“So you’re thinking of pay toilets?”
“Not until you just mentioned it, but I like it. I like it a lot. Give yourself a million-dollar raise. And give me a two-million-dollar raise. You know that oxygen mask that drops down in case of an emergency? Not any more. Not until you put a ten-dollar bill into a slot on the back of the seat in front of you.”
“Did I tell you that our revenue is down because once we started charging $25 for each piece of luggage, people really cut back on it,” the CFO says.
“Can we charge them for not taking luggage? Like a night club with a two-drink minimum?”
“But we don’t want them to bring their luggage.”
“OK, I’ve just had a brainstorm. Make it $100 for two pieces of luggage, $50 for no luggage. Do I smell a bonus?”
“Why can’t they just take the corporate jet the way we do? I wouldn’t fly coach on one of our planes on a bet.”
