There is only one basic rule to follow if you want to lose your shirt in the stock market: Buy high, sell low. It’s easy, anyone can do it. Learn a few simple technical terms and you can start losing money like a financial pro – almost overnight.

The first term is “market day.” A “market day” is any day on which the stock market is open, available for you to lose money on. On weekends and holidays, you must go to a casino or a horse track to lose money – as the stock market is closed.

A “buying opportunity” is a way for you to lose even more money than you already have. Let’s say you bought 100 shares of stock that you overheard a guy sitting in the cubicle behind you call “the next Microsoft” at $20 a share. Yesterday it fell to $10 a share. Now you have a “buying opportunity” to jump in and buy twice as many shares as you did before – for the same amount of money. Imagine what an “opportunity” you’ll have when it goes down to $5 a share! Or $2!

As a general rule of thumb, anytime someone you barely know calls a stock “the next something,” buy it. The next eBay, the next Google, the next Wal-Mart, the next Starbucks. Why buy into a growing, thriving business when you can buy into an unknown, untested one? This is called a “stock tip.” Never let the sun go down on a stock tip without acting on it.

I bought “the next Apple” and within a week our kid’s college fund was nearly wiped out. Now they’ll have to work their way through community college mowing lawns and washing dishes. It’s my gift to them. They’ll learn so much more than they would’ve by being coddled. I’m only sorry I didn’t let more of my friends in on the deal.

The guy who passed the tip to me, Bob Ferguson, had to sell his house and move in with his wife’s parents.

And now they’re getting a divorce. At least they won’t have long, drawn-out battles over how to split their assets. They don’t have any. It cuts down on the lawyer’s fees, too. It doesn’t get any better than that.