Roland Cartwright, Cleo Heller, Harris Diamond, Dr. Joan Skaggs and Ivy Abernathy.
Cool-sounding names, right? They could be characters in a soap opera or a mystery novel. Too bad they’re not.
Who are they? Five of the 46 people who sent me junk e-mails today, offering good deals on anything from cheap prescription drugs to half-priced farm animals (why even bother going to the fair anymore?).
My question: Why do “they” – mysterious spam masterminds – even bother sending junk mail? Nobody actually looks at it. Once people see the message is from someone with a name like “Sir Cyrus Bentley,” they just hit delete. Another deal on Viagra that never had a chance.
It doesn’t help either that the message is usually in broken English – or doesn’t make sense at all (How can you rip me off if I can’t understand you?).
If spammers want junk mail to be more effective, they need to give their sleaze peddlers back stories as interesting, and unbelievable, as their names. A good tale to reel us in.
Here’s a few examples of good junk mail names that – with a little story added to them – could be garbage I might read:
From: Coy Landry
Subject: Discount Vicodin
Dear Mr. McGuire,
I was once a cocky lifeguard on the popular television show Baywatch who was forced to live on the streets after getting paralyzed in episode #39 while saving Mitch and C.J. from a fierce rip tide. Now, my only chance to fully recover and enter this weekend’s surfing competition in Malibu is to sell my extra stash of Vicodin for only half price! That’s right, pay only half-price! So eliminate your pain safely on-line and help me restore my self-worth. This is a 100% Licensed and Legal purchase.
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From: Enrico Roman
