Ha. Ha. Fooled you into reading this column. Fire safety won’t do a single thing to help you seduce your favorite cutie (although fireplaces are very seductive). But, over the years, I have made a few observations that might make your life a little less ... combustible. Today, I will mention three.

First, my credentials: When I am not writing, I investigate the origin and cause of fires. I have been doing this for over 25 years. I am an International Association of Arson Investigators (IAAI) Certified Fire Investigator. That’s all you have to know. Now, listen:

ONE: UNPLUG YOUR TOASTER WHEN YOU AREN’T MAKING TOAST

Scenario: You have just come home from the market and are carrying a heavy paper bag filled with groceries. The telephone rings, so you thrust the bag onto the kitchen counter and rush out of the room. The call is from your attorney, informing you that Great Aunt Matilda has left you four million dollars in her will ... or it is from your son advising you that he is divorcing his wife and getting a sex change. Either way, it is a long conversation. Forty-five minutes into it, you smell smoke. You terminate the call and dial 911.

The fire department extinguishes the fire. Before leaving, they tell you that the fire began in the kitchen. But where? How? Why? The last page of my origin and cause report answers all of those questions: The fire started in the toaster.

Now you’re puzzled, because nobody made toast that morning. Nobody even thought about making toast. The cord of the toaster, however, was plugged into a wall outlet. And that, dear Watson, was the problem.

When you lowered your grocery bag to the counter, one stiff corner of the bag came into contact with the toaster’s elevator arm, depressing the lever and turning it on. With the corner of the bag still depressed, the elevator could not pop up after the toast cycle had finished, and the coils inside continued to glow red-hot. Then, one of two things happened. Heat from the toaster ignited the paper bag, or, as in a fire I once investigated, the counter under the toaster eventually reached ignition temperature. Either way, you had a fire.

TWO: DON’T TRUST ANYONE WITH AN ACETYLENE TORCH

Last week, a plumber came to my house to fix my leaky furnace. He decided that all he has to do was weld a joint where two pipes fit together. He took out his acetylene torch.

This would have been a good time to take a blood pressure tablet, update my property insurance policy, or change my will, because, unbeknownst to me, I had just invited a fire setter into my house. One who, at no time during his visit, followed any of the requirements in NFPA 51B Standard for Fire Prevention During Welding, Cutting, and Other Hot Work. He did not check his workspace to make sure that it was free of combustibles; he did not wet down the ceiling, walls or floors; he did not use fire retardant blankets or shields; and he did not cover openings in ductwork to prevent sparks from traveling to another area of the house. He didn’t even have a fire extinguisher or a water bucket nearby to extinguish sparks or flames.