Dear Maggie,

My husband and I got into an argument the other day, and he said something that really made me mad. He said all I ever do is complain. Of course, I denied it. But then I mentioned it to my sister, and she got all quiet and stopped looking me in the eye. And when I demanded to know what she was thinking she said that I really do tend to complain a lot! I was hurt and offended, but ever since, I’ve been thinking about it and noticing that I really do. When I’m on the phone with my mom, I complain about the kids, and when I’m talking to my husband I complain about my mom, and when I run into people at the grocery store I complain about the prices, or the weather, or a headache, or ...

Well, you get the picture. I don’t when I changed from a fairy positive person into just the opposite, but now that I’ve realized what I’m doing, I’d like to change it. But it’s tougher than it seems. Old habits die hard. Any suggestions?

Best,

Negative Nellie

Dear Nellie (I’m starting by dropping the negative part!)

What a great letter! And good for you for recognizing and wanting to change this tendency! It must be kismet, because several people I know have been discussing this very topic. The thing is, we tend to talk about the things we notice. So if we notice negative stuff all the time, that’s on our mind, and is our natural topic of conversation. The problem with that is that when we focus on negativity all the time, we attract more of it. So it’s more and more what we see and more and more what we talk about, and the first thing you know, we’re kind of miserable to be around, and worse, we feel miserable inside.

A good first step would be to make it a habit to start noticing positive things. Start every day by writing down six or seven or ten absolutely great things, whether it’s big stuff like, “my guy’s a hunk,” to tiny things like, “I love the way the sun is reflecting off the icicles this morning” or “thank God for fat-free French vanilla creamer!” If you make this a daily habit, you’ll gradually train your mind to focus more on the positive, which means you’ll bring more and more positive stuff to notice into your life.