Dear Maggie,
Since the birth of our children, I feel like I’ve been lost in the shuffle – an emotion which has grown progressively worse. I have a wonderful family and an honest, caring wife who is beautiful both inside and out. However, it seems like I take a distant second to the kids and household activities.
Specifically, the most disappointing part of this dilemma occurs in the evening. After a hard day’s work and long commute, I yearn for some quality private time with my wife. Invariably, she appears more concerned with household chores such as cleaning up the kitchen. To add insult to injury, after I get home she spends the majority of the time doting on the kids and asking me to “do this” and “do that.” I view this whole situation with not only sadness, but bewilderment in that I am simply irresistible from a physical standpoint. At times I’m referred to as being “arrogant” and/or “ignorant” by others. I don’t understand why such terms are used since I’m simply stating facts. Honestly, I ask myself what woman wouldn’t just drop everything else for me? Furthermore, I do plenty of nice gestures around the house including many tasks which would be considered a “woman’s job” by people. This, I do above and beyond all of the “man’s work.” I lose my cool and fly off the handle fairly often, however I’ve been improving my self-control lately.
How can I get my wife to spend more quality alone time with me? It’s great being a father but I miss the “good ol’ days.” Please help!
Signed,
The Man from Greene
Dear Man from Greene,
You are SO not alone in this. You’re experiencing what a many, if not most men go through when their families are young. It’s common for men to feel pushed aside for the sake of the kids. This behavior comes down to us from our ancestors, who survived because of natural urges to breed and reproduce, putting the woman’s focus entirely on her mate. Once the young were born, though, they couldn’t survive without the constant care and nurturing of the mother, so the male got pushed aside, until and unless the female was ready to reproduce again. (Or, you know, if a sabertooth tiger needed clubbing.)
We, however, with very few exceptions, are no longer cave-dwellers. The problem is, young women get tunnel vision when it comes to their kids, and it’s hard for them to understand the man’s feelings. To them it seems obvious the kids should come first, and moms are baffled that husbands don’t willingly surrender and just become part of the furniture until they’re called upon.
I’m going to give you a few suggestions. First, let’s remember there’s no such thing as women’s work and man’s work. If only one half of the couple is working outside the home, then it falls to the other to take on the majority of the household chores. If both work outside the home, the household chores should be split right down the middle. No exceptions. Be aware that when one partner is the full-time homemaker, it can feel like a pretty thankless job. It doesn’t begin at nine and end at five. It’s 24/7. And there’s no nice paycheck at the end of the week, and barely ever any praise from those you’re working for, much less a bonus. Usually, you get complaints and demands instead.
So suggestion #1 is to let your wife know you think she’s doing a great job. Praise her for all that hard work. Compliment the meals, the house being so clean, the little things she does, her mothering skills, all of it.
Young moms often tend to forget that they are women, and fall so completely into the role of caregiver that they let their personal needs go. (See, she isn’t just putting you aside for the kids, she’s putting herself on hold, too.) So suggestion #2 is to remind her that she is still beautiful, sexy and attractive to you. Often.
It’s hard for young mothers to maintain a healthy interest in sex, because they’re so exhausted and drained, both physically and emotionally, that it feels like there’s just nothing left at day’s end. A lot of them also worry about children walking in, or overhearing.
