I’m sorry about Wednesday’s column. It was honest, thoughtful and articulate – my name and mug shot should have never been put within a mile of it. Especially because I didn’t write it. Actually, my fellow reporter Jessica Lewis did. Our boss, however, wanted to conduct an experiment to see if an intelligent and meaningful message could be perceived as stupid and pointless if people thought it was coming from me. We’re still waiting on the results.

Speaking of results, with a quick shave, fresh coat of paint, half-way decent hair stylist, slight chest augmentation and a little attitude, don’t I make a damn fine looking woman? (note headshot above). A damn fine Beth Smith, to be exact. She’s the loving wife of Duane Chapman a.k.a “Dog the Bounty Hunter.” I impersonated her for Halloween. Although it was a challenge to keep the man-flood from spilling over the levy that was my one-piece stretch suit, I’d say Beth never looked better (It’s like they say; the thicker the ice cream, the sweeter the milkshake).

Her husband Dog, on the other hand, isn’t doing so hot these days. He recently got caught repeatedly dropping a racial slur during a telephone conversation. Now his television show on A&E is canceled and he’s in, well, the dog house.

It’s not his fault, though. Like so many renegades before him, he can blame his troubles – at the peak of his success – on the mullet.

What’s a mullet? According to a second-rate encyclopedia, a mullet “is a hairstyle that is short in the front, top and sides, but long in the back.” People describe them in a lot of colorful ways. For instance, one might say that a person’s mullet is “all business in the front and a party in the back.”

Dog has one of the fiercest and most complex business-party combinations on the planet. In fact, his hair is commonly referred to as “Fortune 500 up to bat, Mardi Gras on deck, and ‘Touch of Texas’ in the hole.”