Dear Maggie,

How do I motivate my daughter, who recently returned home, to start job hunting? Granted, her life has been in the dumps lately, but I can’t support her for very long. I hate to be the nagging mother, but I can’t figure out how to motivate her without her rolling her eyes and telling me, “I know, MOM!”

Frustrated Mom

Dear Frustrated Mom,

Nagging won’t work anyway, so don’t bother. However, prepare to face the eye rolling, because there’s probably no way around it. I think the key here is honest, open, communication.

I’d try explaining to her that you can’t afford to support her indefinitely, and that you really don’t feel you’d be doing her any favors by doing so, even if you could. Part of growing up is learning to support one’s self. As an adult, when you don’t have a job, your job is to find a job. Remind her that you have to get up and go to work every day, and ask if she thinks it’s healthy for her to stay at home while you do.

Another point to make is that by looking for work and finding it, she’s going to move through her depression a whole lot faster. Basking in it just feeds it, and that makes it grow. Starve it of your attention, and it fades away more easily.

Finally, and this is the tough part, I’d give her some specifics, including a deadline. I’d say something like this. “I love you so much that I’m going to give you the most valuable gift I can give you, even though it would be a lot easier for me to just let you lie around and grow moss. I know that would be harmful to you, not helpful. So, you get a free pass until (insert date here.) After that, you’re going to need to hold down a job and contribute X-dollars toward our living expenses, or find a place of your own. By doing those things, you’re going to be empowered, and become a strong, independent woman who can make her own way in the world. A woman who can never be held down or held back. A woman who can accomplish anything. And that’s the woman I’ve raised you to be, because I love you.”

Also, be sure to ditch any tendency you might have toward criticizing her habits, and focus instead on praising even the most minimal effort she makes. Those efforts will grow if you do.

Good luck to you both!

Maggie

Dear Maggie,