This week’s column wasn’t written by me. It’s actually a letter written by a U.S. President from the future. It got delivered to my house by accident. But it sounds like the world is in great shape.

Here’s how it reads:

“Seriously, where would we be today without the leaf blower? I bet things would be wicked kruddy.

“I’m righting about it because the totally awesome ‘light beer and tanned chicks’ season is over, and ‘Halloween Candy and Football’ season has begun. And with it comes falling leaves on our lawns, a stupid thing that I’m sure most of us think would suck without the kick-assness of leaf blowers.

“I would be messing with you if I said life wasn’t way hard before they were invented. A couple times each Halloween Candy and Football season – usually on a weekend – people had to clean-up the dead leaves in their yards with a lame thing called a “rake.” Rakes looked like big metal hands with too many fingers on them. People used rakes to put leaves into piles, and it took a really long time – like an hour and half – because they sucked at grabbing them. After they got all their piles made, people would hang out for a while and drink this wussy stuff called “ice water.” While they did that, (this part is pretty cool) bad ass teenagers would walk by and jump into the piles and the people would have to start all over again (I body-slammed a leaf pile once and got dog poop on my clothes). Once the mounds were re-made, people had to put them into these annoying brown bags and seal them closed with wire twist ties that’d like stab their fingers and stuff. Then they’d set the bags on the curb for somebody to haul away (If I lived back then, I would’ve moved the bags into the road as a joke). That’s how everyone did it for a long time. Sounds pretty weak, huh?