I called my cable company to see if they could fix a problem with my line.

“And what is the name on the account?”

I told him. And the number I was calling from, starting with the area code. And my service address. And my billing address. And my account number.

“Now, if you could just answer a few questions to verify your identity, sir. Who was your first girlfriend?”

“You need to know that to fix my cable?”

“Of course not, sir. I'm just curious. Was it Beverly Smith?”

“I don't really think that's any of your business.”

“I had a girlfriend once -- Beverly. She ripped out my heart and stomped on it, that's what she did. May I remind you that this phone call in being taped for the entertainment of my boss. I think he posts the juicy ones on the Internet. What was your first pet's name?”

“I don't think I have to tell you that.”

“Was in Muffin? Was it? Or something stupid like calling your cat ‘Cat’ or your dog ‘Dog?’”

“The cat's name was Mr. Bushy, and he got hit by a car. Thanks for bringing up a painful memory.”

“We’re the cable company, that’s what we’re here for. What is your mother’s maiden name?”

“Why do you need to know that? Are you afraid some imposter is calling to get my cable fixed? Are you afraid an imposter will pay my bill?”

“We’re protecting your identity, sir. What town were you born in? Who did you vote for in 1996? Who won Super Bowl XX? Have you ever been -- or dated -- a member of the Communist Party? Did you see the new “Die Hard” movie? Was it any good? Isn’t Bruce a little long in the tooth to be doing action/adventure movies? Do you think he’ll run for governor of California? Do you prefer ranch dressing or blue cheese? Have you ever been abducted by a UFO? What side of the bed do you sleep on? Do you use an electric razor or a blade?”

“I really don't feel comfortable giving you that information over the phone.”

“Would you rather we meet in a bar? I get off in an hour.”

“That’s not what I meant. I meant, ‘why do you need to know all this stuff to fix my cable?’”