According to the Pew Research Center, the percentage of Americans who consider children to be “very important for a successful marriage” has dropped to 41 percent, down from 65 percent since 1990. Satisfying sex (70 percent), sharing household chores (62 percent) and good housing (51 percent) all outranked parenthood on the marriage meter.

As the parents of two and the grandparents of six, we are clearly way out of step with this social trend. So was Phil Kaiser.

Phil died in May at age 93, and at his memorial service this week, many speakers recalled his professional accomplishments as a diplomat and public official under four Democratic presidents. They were warm and funny and occasionally eloquent. But only his son Bob (a friend since college) and his granddaughter Emily wept as they spoke.

Which raises the question: Who will cry for you? Friends, business associates, tennis partners, therapists – they will all remember you fondly and some will even miss you deeply. But will they weep? Has your impact on their lives been so strong that your passing will move them to tears?

Phil and Hannah Kaiser were married for 67 years. We’re approaching our 41st anniversary, but we totally respect others who made different choices than we did. We have friends and relatives who are happier without spouses or offspring. Others wanted a family but never found the right partner or conceived a child. We are not judging them.

But in our experience, marriage and parenthood are right for most people most of the time. As human beings, we derive our greatest joy from serving others, not ourselves. In the long run, changing diapers is a whole lot more satisfying than changing bedmates.

Sociologists who have studied marriage are not surprised at the Pew findings. Pop culture sends very strong signals – think about yourself first, your needs and toys and pleasures. “Sex and the City” has replaced “The Brady Bunch.” The Magic Kingdom is Las Vegas, not Disneyland. Sports cars are in, strollers are out.

But parents, at least good ones, hardly ever think of themselves first. Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, a shrewd observer at the National Marriage Project, was quoted by the Associated Press: “The popular culture is increasingly oriented to fulfilling the X-rated fantasies and desires of adults. Child-rearing values – sacrifice, stability, dependability, maturity – seem stale and musty by comparison.”

The Washington Post, writing about the Pew study, included this comment from David Joyce, a father of two from Forestville, Md.: “I think what we’re running into a lot ... is people saying, ‘It needs to be about me.’ And it doesn’t. It needs to be about ‘us’ or about ‘we.’ Anything that’s based on a ‘me’ scenario isn’t going to last very long.”