Heavy subjects aren’t usually my forte. However, I wanted this week’s column to be about the flood, and a mature offering seemed unavoidable.

I was hoping my words would roar and be coarse like June 28, yet heartfelt and strong like the days, weeks and months after. But, per usual, the pull of stupidity was a constant drag. And making a point that matters – like fulfilling my dream of one day owning a bar/Laundromat called “front-loaded” – wasn’t easy.

It started with a Top Ten List:

“Ten Best Ways to Get Back at Your Ex During a Flood.”

10. Collect all their stuff that’s still at your place and put it in the lowest part of the basement. Then sit back and let the magic happen. Trust me, losing your washer and dryer won’t feel so bad if you can blame Mother Nature for warping their favorite Barry Manilow, records too.

9. Have two-dozen anchovy and Hawaiian-style pizzas delivered to your ex’s house. Yeah, normally they’d just refuse them. But how can they this time if the poor delivery guy drove through rushing water and risked his life to get there? Nobody – not even your ex – can be that cold. Bon Appétit!

8. Call him/her up and say you’re stranded at work. See if he/she will give you a hand and start moving stuff out of your pad while you try to get home. Meanwhile, call a TV news station and say there is someone looting stuff at (insert your address here) and that they should send the sky-cam over to catch them in the act (burns more when the world is watching).