My “Check Engine” light is on again. So I unlatched the hood and took a look. Sure enough, it was still there. It looked good, too. Right where it’s supposed to be. In the middle. Lots of hoses and wires and belts all over the place. They were a little dirty; but hey, I live on a dirty street. You have to expect a little dirt might get under the hood. That’s enough checking for me. Still, the light wouldn’t go out. Where’s the “OK, I checked it” button?

Of course, that would be too easy. I’ve fallen into the “Check Engine” scam and there’s no escaping it.

“What could cause the ‘Check Engine’ light to go on?” I asked my mechanic.

“Oh, lots of things – my kid starting college, the wife buying new living room furniture, that vacation we want to take to DisneyWorld, my daughter deciding to marry that bonehead she’s been seeing – it all depends. You’d have to bring it in.”

“Is it OK for me to keep driving it?” I asked.

“Sure, I don’t need the money that fast.”

“I kind of meant would it be safe for me to drive it or do I need to have you look at it right away?”

“I never thought of it that way. Let me think. I’m sure it’s safe. What’s the worst that could possibly happen? Your car suddenly stops dead on the interstate while an 18-wheeler full of steel girders going 65 is tailgating you? You wouldn’t even feel it. By the way, have you filled out that donor card on the back of your license? Not that there’d be many good parts left, but what’s left of your skin could still be used to help many people. Don’t be selfish.

“A thousand things could make that ‘Check Engine’ light go on, from something as simple as a loose gas cap to a leaky head gasket. I’m guessing leaky head gasket because I just bought a condo in Boca.”

“But is it dangerous to drive with that ‘Check Engine’ light on? Please. Give. Me. An. Answer.”

“I hate to get into the hypothetical. It could mean so many things: it could mean that your car is no longer under warranty; it could mean you’re late for an oil change; it could mean that you should bring it back to the dealer so he can show you all the new stuff in his showroom that will make that piece of junk you’re driving now look like a Third World jitney; it could mean that the ‘Check Engine’ light needs to be replaced.”

“So you’re saying it’s just a big scam?”

“Not at all. It’s probably that catalytic thingamajig that reduces emissions. I’m pretty sure you can’t pass inspection if that’s not working.”