There was a huge crash from the living room. A second later, New Hampshire skated through the kitchen on his Heelys screaming “Watch me! Watch me!” as he slammed into our refrigerator. New Hampshire is my cousin’s 6-year-old. He won’t eat vegetables, is allergic to gluten, peanuts, latex, penicillin, cats, bees and shellfish. He is, against all odds, overweight. And surly. I can’t tell you how I look forward to their visits.
His parents, Hanna and Pat, had their hearts set on naming him after a state like Indiana Jones but most of the good state names had been taken by the time he was born. In New Hampshire’s pre-K class there are two Dakotas, two Nevadas, a Montana, a Georgia, a Florida, a Virginia, a Tennessee and an Arizona. Hanna thought New Mexico sounded too Latin, Massachusetts sounded too WASPY and Oregon too California. Pat confuses Iowa, Idaho and Ohio, so those were out. All in all, the kid’s lucky he’s not going through life named American Samoa or Dry Tortuga.
There was some worry what nickname his classmates and friends would give him. “New” or “Hamps.” Or something strange or rude. They need not have worried. The kid cannot possibly have any friends. His sister Chardonnay has let it slip that several teachers threatened to put him in “the hole. Whatever that is.” I’ll have to rent “The Great Escape” for her, someday.
“What was that crash?” Sue asked.
“It wasn’t me,” New Hampshire said before Sue had even finished the question. “It just fell over all by itself.”
“What fell over by itself?”
“That big stupid red thing.”
“That big stupid red vase we got on our honeymoon in Venice 32 years ago? That big stupid red thing?”
“Ye-ah, I guess.”
Sue and I said nothing as we waited for the parenting to begin.
“New Hampshire is an Indigo Child,” Hanna said as New Hampshire skated as fast as he could toward me and at the last moment kicked me as hard as he could in the knee. He giggled and then tried to kick me again.
“I’m sorry. We had no idea. Is there a cure?”
Hanna and Pat and New Hampshire all burst out laughing. “A cure? I hope not. New Hampshire has evolved. He’s the next step on the evolutionary ladder. A smarter, better human.”
“You’re saying he’s not human?”
