The nurse asked me if I had a living will. “Yes, I do.”
“Did you bring it with you?”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Why not?”
“Well, I’m only here to have my teeth cleaned. I didn’t really think I’d need it.”
I could see if I was having a filling, or a wisdom tooth pulled, but a cleaning? Was it really that life threatening?
There was much consternation behind the counter. Could they proceed at all without the living will? Do I really look that old? Is it that annoying teenager who always gives me the Senior Discount down at the Shop and Spend on Tuesdays a character witness? I want to tell her she’s just given me a 15-percent discount for being prematurely gray. But I just take it and shut up.
I can’t even remember what the provisions of my living will are. Did I tell Sue to pull the plug the day I couldn’t remember what’s in my living will, or did I tell her to keep me alive until I was smaller than the tubes coming out of me?
I can’t even remember where it is. Where do you put something like that? On the refrigerator door? In my home office? I can’t find the phone bill in my home office. Or the phone. I don’t need a living will, I need a live-in filing clerk.
I do remember meeting with my lawyer and drawing up the papers. He said, “You should have a living will so that if you’re incapacitated your wishes will be carried out.”
“My main wish is that I shouldn’t be incapacitated.”
“You should have thought about that before you decided to eat right and exercise. If you had listened to me you would have been dead by now, not having to worry about all this. Half my business is estate planning. The other half is divorces.”
“You mean people still have estates after they divorce? That’s a comfort. It must be nice, getting all that money for filling out a few forms of lawyer mumbo jumbo.”
“I plan the estates for the half that didn’t get divorced. And it’s not just a little form; there’s a lot involved,” said Mumbo Jumbo, Esq. “For example, do you have a Health Care Proxy?”
“Of course not. I’m married. Besides, at my age ... “
