By Jim Mullen
“What is that?” Sue asked. We were looking into a UPS box we had just received from our friends the Fergusons. The Fergusons had just spent a lovely weekend with us – lovely for them, anyway.
“What does the note say?” I carefully reached into the box, trying to avoid all the vicious metal edges of the mysterious object inside and pulled out piece of Beverly Ferguson’s stationery.
“Thanks for being such kind and gracious hosts, we really enjoyed our weekend with you. So few of our friends seem to have any free time to see us any more. It’s funny, the more free time we get, the busier everyone else seems to get.
“I’m sure, in his own way, even if he doesn’t verbalize it, that Cartier is very sorry about breaking that ugly statue of yours. But really, should you leave something like that locked in your bedroom closet where anyone could accidentally knock it over? I know he’s joking, but Burt says Cartier probably increased its value. Look how much those broken Roman statues are worth. No one wants a whole one.
“Even though she never came out of her room the entire weekend, Bresson really had a fun time. I think the change of scenery is good for her. Your guest room is so much different than her own. It’s so much smaller. Bert had the most fun of all. Weekends are the only time he really gets to unwind. I’ll bet you’ve never seen him dance naked before, have you? By the way, before our next visit, he really prefers the red Zinfandels to the Cabs, so if you want to stock up ...
“I thought everyone knew that I was allergic to green peppers and gluten, so I have to apologize for spoiling that first dinner. I hope the stains came out of the carpet. Don’t forget, I’m lactose intolerant, too. So if you could just have some soymilk handy, it would solve a lot of problems.
“We’re free almost every weekend this summer, so just let us know what’s convenient for you and we’ll be happy to drive up and bring a little joy into your empty lives.
“See you soon! – Bev and Bert
P.S. Here’s a little gift for all your time and trouble. I hope you don’t have one already!”
“It looks like something from a horror movie,” I said as I pulled the thing out of the box.
“It’s a horseshoe crab. Made out of rusty tin can lids. It’s what they call ‘outsider’ art,” Sue said.
