By Jim Mullen

“Hmmm, that looks comfy.” Sue was flipping through a glossy home-decor magazine and stopped on a section on bathrooms. The featured element, the tub, was a harsh rectangle with welcoming, knife-edge corners made of grey, poured concrete. If it weren’t for the rose petals floating on top of the water, you might mistake it for a particularly cruel horse trough. Maybe the rose petals are there to lure alien life forms, because certainly no human will ever sit and soak in that tub. How would you clean it? Sandblast the soap ring?

If the tub was harsh, the sink looked as if it came from the Country Club Prison Collection. It was a stainless-steel basin that jutted from the wall with no visible plumbing that could be used as a weapon in an escape attempt. The toilet, we decided, came from the future. It looked like one of those Tour de France bicycle seats. At first glance, you wouldn’t quite know whether to sit on it or to feed it ants.

As I looked at the picture all I could think was “These guys don’t have kids.” I don’t even think they know rational adults. There were no wet towels lying across the tub; there were no half-squeezed tubes of toothpaste on the sink; there were no nail clippers, brushes or combs in sight. Absolutely nothing indicated human habitation. There was no trashcan with the strand of dental floss hanging down the side; there were no bottles of prescription medicines scattered about. There were no towels that showed their age; there were no bottles of deodorant or cologne visible, no lipstick, mascara, mouthwash. Who lives here? Robbie the Robot? What does he need a toilet for?

Home design magazines call themselves “shelter” magazines, now. I wonder if that’s how the editors talk to each other at dinner parties.

“Nice shelter you’ve got here, Bob. Who does the rose petals in your bathtub? My guy quit, I’m looking for someone. By the way, have you got any Band-Aids? I cut my hand on your tub, but I couldn’t find the medicine cabinet. Oh, the medicine cabinet is the thing made out of razorwire. I thought that was a towel rack. You’re so right, it probably does keep people from snooping.”